I remember the day I left, November of 2022, as if it was carved into my memory.  Moving out of my home felt like I was abandoning a part of my soul.  By March of 2023, divorce was set in motion, a decision that provided no relief, feeling like I was severing a limb to try and save the body.

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I chased after happiness like it was something I could catch, something tangible. Yet, every time I thought I had it within my grasp, it slipped through my fingers, leaving me emptier than before. Success, achievements, they were all just mirages in a desert of my own making.

 

The deeper I dove into this pursuit, the more I lost myself. Depression became my shadow, following me closely, a constant reminder of the joy I couldn't find. I sought help, talked to multiple counselors, but nothing seemed to reach the heart of my darkness. Eventually, I gave up on seeking help, convinced I had to face this battle alone. That decision only led me deeper into isolation, loneliness, and a sense of unworthiness that consumed my every waking moment. I didn't know it then, but I would soon come to realize that I had a God shaped hole in my heart. 

 

This realization came in February of 2024, when I attended the "Forming Men" conference, led by Jon Tyson and Jefferson Bethke. The decision to attend seemed inconsequential at the time but turned out to be a major turning point of my life. Phones and distractions were eliminated, and in the silence of their absence, I heard God's voice for the first time in what seemed like forever. I wasn't alone; I was among 44 other men, each fighting their own battles with worldly vices. The worship sessions led by Chad Bohi were transformational, unlike anything I'd experienced; I felt the Holy Spirit moving within me, bringing life to parts of my soul I thought had died long ago.

 

I found a brotherhood there, with Alan, Gabe, David, Jerod, and Chris. Their unconditional love was a true reflection of Christ's love for me. And it was there, in that sacred space, that I felt a clear calling from God—a directive that seemed impossible. He was telling me to reconcile and fix my past. The weight of this decision was immense, as it meant ending my current relationship with someone to whom I had grown extremely close.

 

Telling her about my decision was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Yet, in obeying what I knew God was leading me to do, I found a peace I hadn't known was possible. So, with a deep and sincere apology, I set out, not knowing what to expect. Our conversation was long and fraught with emotion, but through reflection and grace, we found a way forward—not back to being a couple, but as friends committed to co-parenting our kids in the best way possible.

 

Through this journey, God taught me that His plans are far beyond our understanding. I had believed reconciliation meant restoring my marriage, but it was about something deeper: reconciling with God and, through that, finding forgiveness for myself. The grace shown to me was a reflection of God's own forgiveness, something I hadn't allowed myself to accept until then.

 

Out of this tumultuous season came an unexpected gift—creativity.  I began writing poems, raps, songs, and stories, channeling my experiences and the emotions they stirred into something tangible.  This new outlet has helped heal me, providing me with a way to connect with God and express what the Holy Spirit is stirring inside me.

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God's grace didn't end there. Over time, with significant understanding and forgiveness, I was able to to find a way back my previous relationship. Despite my faults, I was accepted when I could have easily been cast aside. This renewed relationship, now rooted in a deeper trust in God and each other, stands as a testament to the power of grace and forgiveness. 

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Now at 48, I see myself not as the broken man I was but as a warrior for God, fighting not with worldly weapons, but with His word and love. My journey, from the depths of despair to finding peace in God's unconditional love, has shown me that no one is beyond redemption.  My mission now is to share the this truth with others, to help them find the same peace and forgiveness that has transformed my life. 

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God's love and grace have carried me through my darkest times, showing me that true happiness isn't found in worldly success but in living a life rooted in His love, and walking in the footsteps of Jesus.  My story is a testament to the power of God's love to heal and redeem, no matter our past, no matter how far we stray, no matter what we have done!

 

Brandon Hokenstad

4/14/2024

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